soy is in everything

Everything.

Dr. Amy asked me to lower my soy intake to 1-2 servings a week.

Not a day.

A week.

O.o

The goddamn stuff is in *everything*. Pretzels, waffles, chocolate, Kind bars...

Everything.

And, damn it, I'm saving my 1-2 servings a week for my soy lattes.

body issues

I tell you -- this whole getting healthy thing is expensive, time-consuming, and frustrating sometimes.

No matter *what* I do, there's something else I'm supposed to be doing, too. I swear -- exercise, yoga, weight training, water, calorie counting, protein counting, meal timing, massages to release toxins, hormone treatments, ice therapy, acupuncture, heat therapy.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm in better shape than I've *ever* been in and normally, I'm tickled.

Today? When I had to get up early to work because Wednesday is my hard day with an hour of weight training, an hour of spin class, and an hour of Hatha yoga?

I'm a touch growly.

*leans* Back from NC

Enjoyed the hell out of it -- but it's good to be home. I will say, if you're ever staying in Raleigh, the Marriott by the big mall has incredibly uncomfortable beds. We're all exhausted from sheer lack of being able to sleep.

I have a ton of work to do, and I have a mask to paint, a sock to knit, and a Barbie to make into Pele...

So, altering Barbie dolls?

Is like *way* more fun than advertised.

No, really.

I'm making mummy!barbie and americastopmodel!barbie and I want to make goddesses next. And an OompaLoompa.

Pele!barbie. Kali!barbie. Oh... Raven!barbie.

my to do list

is big enough that it's going to eat my head.

O.o

periodically I look at my life

and I go...

Is this mine? I mean, really? Do I live this life?

How very odd.

Man, I'm very heart-tender today

Which always means that the vicious evil people will come hunting me. They can smell weakness. ;-)

*turns off her phone and closes browser windows and put her head down to work*

Of course, maybe I just need a cup of coffee...

I have this position on hobbies

and when they cause stress, it's time to go find something else. Period.

(And yeah, someone was unexpectedly nasty to me and, after a little weep in that 'gee, I'm 5 and somebody said something mean' way, I'm going to bow out of the situation, but I hate the whole drama/meanness thing for ruining something that's supposed to be a fun, creative, non-writing outlet. I get enough assholes in my work; I require a No Mean Girl Zone in my arts and crafts, thanks.)

less psycho today

thank goodness.

I'm looking forward to yoga, looking forward to coffee after and then Sherlock Holmes. :D

there is this hole in the center of my soul

and I can't fill it up and I know, like I know that the sun will come up tomorrow, that it won't heal.

the temptation to stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum is huge

huge.

*stretches*

Man, I'm sore today. My shoulder and neck feel like frozen rope. :P

I mean, it's not serious and I really shouldn't bitch, but I'm going to. ;-)

The patio's going in today -- I'm *so* excited. I'll share pictures once it's done. The grass is fabulous. Man, I need to get the lawnmover fixed and put the container gardens in...

sighs

Man, I'm tired. ;-)

Art Journal Ho

So, I've been working, writing, traveling, cleaning, organizing, dealing, killing, doing, being.

And I've been journaling.

Watercolors and collages, poetry and decoupage, fabric art and pencil drawings.

Good things.

With glitter and the periodic use of an xacto knife.

It's good.

Now, yoga. After a snack.

Shopping in Vegas

Sort of rocked -- I bought some fabulous clothes. It's grand -- to know no matter where I go in to shop, there's something that fits me.

I bought jeans, a leather top, amazing makeup, a hoodie, a backless sweater, and another pair of Steve Madden shoes. (Hooker shoes make me happy -- these are leopard print stillettos.)

:D

I need the dogs to stop barking

and a hug and a cheeseburger and a break and for this headache that I've had since November to go away.

Snow!

It was pretty while I was inside. Yucky when I had to walk the dogs.

I understand why I live in Texas. I am not a winter girl.

Bookstores are dangerous

we found some neat titles today, though, and I don't regret it.

besides, I'm on #24 on the 100 books in 2010 quest.

go team me.

I miss my daughter

I miss her every day.

Every single day she crosses my mind and, for about a second, I think I can't bear it anymore.  Then I remind myself I can and I will and I do. And I will tomorrow and the day after. And next month. And next year.

I miss the way she smelled. I miss the way she made me laugh. I miss hugs and stupid little conversations and hearing about her day. I miss watching her be with her dad. God, I miss the way she smelled. My whole world smelled like her for twenty years and that's gone; there's nothing left in the whole world that smells right anymore, nothing that smells like hope anymore.

I miss being a mom. I feel like twenty years of my life, of every second of my heart are worthless, a huge mistake. I feel ashamed of myself and I feel completely alone, like I'm going to mourn for her every day until I die and it will mean nothing.

Like these empty tears splashing into nothing.

I hate wasting time.

I hate this.

Zen and mornings and work

So, I'm reading about Zen -- I don't know, don't ask, it's a thing. I have come to the conclusion, though, at least from what I've read, that this entire philosophy is basically antithetical to how I function. I mean, my world comes from that busy-mind place. Books, ideas, characters -- I need the constant inflow to support the outflow.

I was up and about this morning, doing my cleaning of the kitchen thing, and I was thinking about how the work I do is, in effect, endless. One load of dishes leads to another load of laundry leads to another dog walk leads to another book leads to another meal to cook. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. Life is, in effect, one little thing after another after another and I embrace that. I think most of a woman's life is mired in that (I don't know about men's lives. I've rarely met one as busy as I am, so I can't say.)

It's funny, though. People don't want to know that, really, writing for a living is a lot like doing dishes. If you're lucky, you have someone to help do them so you don't have to get every load, or you eat out a lot, or you buy paper plates (or have someone buying you paper plates) so you only have to do dishes when the mood takes you. But mostly, if you're a working writer, you do dishes so that someone can get the sink dirty again.

Because everybody's got to eat. ;-)

Mothering

I keep wanting to talk about this word and I keep... not.

Maybe I'm not ready.

I hate people some days

Really.

I need to find my center again.

Like right now.

I'm tired of winter

My head hurts and I'm stressed and grumpy and on the rag and and and...

*kicks something*

Hard.

Artwork

I have been thinking about that word a lot lately -- artwork. Not artwork as a *thing*, but art as work. I don't want to get into a long discourse about writing as a job -- this is something I know and I do and that is good. I love my job. I love romance, writing, the process, but that's not what I'm thinking about.

I'm not thinking about work as money-making. I'm thinking about internal work, spiritual work, heart work.  Love work.

It's funny, when you say it out loud, the words are trite and self-help and weird, somehow a blurb for something that I can't stop working through, working on, working with.

I am starting a few experiments to explore the world of art as heart work -- things that I'm reluctant to say out loud yet, in case the speaking of them, the giving these ideas words pins them down into a world they're too new to exist in yet. These are quiet things, private magics that need blessings and breath and love.

Mothering.

Which is a word that deserves a space all its own, a practice that I am trying to redefine and recapture and reinvent and own again.

*kicks something*

You know how I hate getting blindsided with things in the morning? Today it happened again. It wasn't anything major, but it was incredibly painful and now I just want to kick something.

Hard.

Maybe June will have me kicking things at training this morning. At least then I'll have shoes on.

:(

New sewing machine

I finally bought myself a new machine -- it does embroidery and quilting and I'm a little intimidated, but I think today is my evening to go and commune with it. ;-)

I made the neatest doll yesterday -- I can forsee a lot more doll making in my future and I think I'll try a dragon, too.

Maybe a series of them to decorate Larry's office...

Rats in the night

Man, last night Lil woke us up -- a yucky rat had bitten through the hose behind the fridge and water was spraying everywhere. Larry killed the rat, Lorna cleaned up the mess.

I panicked.

;-)

We were up all night, slept in, and today's been weird, all day.

so, the couch is *way* bigger than it looked in the store

Much bigger.

It's fabulous.

Red.

Fun.

But bigger than anticipated...

Shin splints and a general blah

I am feeling very blah today -- no reason, really. I just am.

My leg hurts and I don't want to go to the trainers and yoga. I don't want to walk the dogs or do the laundry.

I don't want to get my word count and do my job.

I don't want to be a grown up.

*stomp*

*throw things*

*do my shawnzilla impersonation*

*ragemaimkilldestroywavearmsmadlyinaterrifyingfashion*

*chuckles*

Okay, now that *that* particular stompy-whiny-cry-baby stuff is over...

I'm tired of exercising

I'm not stopping; I'm just tired of it. ;-)

Okay?

Okay.

Today was a *lot* of exercising and running still sucks. I keep waiting for the rush. I think it's a lie.

finished an art quilt

finished a spin class.

finished reading 4 books.

started my period. ;-)

Finally.

Exhausted today

In a bone-deep, I could just sob sort of way.

If my period doesn't start soon, I'm going to become homicidal.

Just sayin'

I dreamed my dog got eaten by a bear

Bizarre, given the relatively small native central Texas bear population, but there you are.

I spend the first 1/2 hour of my day drinking coffee and working on art. It's a thing. It works for me, usually.

Today I was working on a little white doll, embroidering her face and attaching it, sewing on sparkly things, etc. Every time I thought about work (which, I admit, is a whole lot because dude, busy), I dropped the damn needle.

No, seriously. La la la I'm sewing in eyes, I think about production, boom. Lalala I'm fashioning a mouth, I think about assholes, crash.

In the middle I burst into tears, kicked the file cabinet, and found the needle again (fortunately, part of the lessons the universe was attempting to teach me this morning did *not* involve losing the needles or poking myself with the needles or stepping on the needles). By the end, her face was attached, her belly was sparkly, and and I was not thinking about work.

Hell, by the end, when I went into the sewing room to run her body through the machine, discovered that my needle was broken, the bobbin was empty, and the timer on my 30 minutes had just run out?

I could laugh.

*stretches*

Man, the trainer was good today -- hard, but good.

I'm trying to work, but it's not working. I just want to read or sleep or run around in circles.

This is because I'm hormonal, I know it.

It doesn't make it better, but I know it.

blah

*flips off the world*

;-)

Happy Birthday to me

Good day.

Yoga.

Julie and Julia.

Roast chicken.

Tom kum ga.

Makeup, new pants, and a book about multimedia techniques for fiber arts.

Life is good.

not in a blogging mood

so I'll just growl and wave and go.

;-)

I swam, I shopped, I watched football

I worked, I wrote, I took a lot of muscle relaxants.

Tomorrow? Zumba, getting my hair done, buying a racing bike, and writing.

:D

Yay!

New trainer, hard yoga, breathing, and cold

The trainer went well -- I liked her, the workout was challenging, not impossible. I'm tired and my eyes hurt from cedar and I'm a little worried about swimming laps tomorrow -- yes, I know how to swim. I simply require a certain amount of comfort. ;-)

I'll feel better after tomorrow.

Exercise: One hour of weight training, one hour of hatha yoga, thirty minute walk
Craft: Finished the yellow doll
Reading: Black Order, Heart Shaped Box.

Good coffee and handmade dolls

I've been making little handmade dolls for a few months now. I trade them online with folks -- they're nothing fancy, really, just me playing with beads and fabric and thread. Mine are bigger than most -- fat and wide and a little goofy.

We went and bought a bunch of different kinds and strengths of coffee in sample sizes, just to see what we all like the best. It's funny -- I don't like mild coffee at *all*, but if I had to describe it, I'd immediately say it was too strong, not smooth enough.

Oh, I got my birthday present -- a Kindle reader. I *love* it. Love it. I was ambivalent, at best, about the Sony reader, but the Kindle makes me happy. :D I stayed in bed an extra hour this morning and read.

Exercise: Zumba tonight
Crafting: Worked on the entrelac scarf last night, am making a yellow doll today
Reading: Black Order, Heart-Shaped Box

long day, somehow, again

It's cold outside.

 I interviewed a new trainer today and signed up. I don't know; it feels a little weird, really, to spend all this money and time on exercise, but you know what? It works and I felt like she knew her stuff. Also, she's in Round Rock, which works for me.

I need my period to start, then I'll feel better, I think.

I've been thinking about quilts a lot lately -- little ones, art ones. We'll see if I actually *make* one.

Exercise today: Jog for 30 minutes
Reading: Black Order
Crafts: Finished the top of a mini quilt

went back to church today

It's been a long time -- 10 years. The best part? Seeing Carolyn. She's always made my heart happy -- just the fact that she exists makes the world a better place. It was a lot different, a little awkward in that way that going back to somewhere after so long always is.

You could see people wondering why we left -- and the people who asked, I told the truth to. I was so very ill, hurting so badly, that I didn't have the energy and the heart to see other people, to pretend to be whole, to be real. We hunkered down and hid away, using what energy I had for the absolute basics -- raising the child, paying the bills, breathing. It seems odd, I think, because this sort of community is supposed to be about supporting you when you fall, but I didn't have enough of me to be supported anymore. I couldn't accept help or love or care. I couldn't do anything but have faith that one day I'd come through the other side.

I was right. I did.

And I hope that I can find a home in the community again.

Long day

Man, I can't seem to get my shit together today. Everything's backward and hard.

I know that it's hormonal -- I mean, I so get that, but it doesn't make it any easier.

:P

New Years Resolutions

So, I make 'em. Last year, I kept *all* of them.

This year:

1. Go completely dairy-free.
2. Finish the Monster Triathlon in Denton in October.
3. Meet my financial goals.
4. Find a spiritual community and attend.
5. One meatless day per week, while keeping my protein levels.
6. Take one day off work per week.
7. Read 100 books that are *not* work-related in 2010.
8. Post here every day. 

Happy New Year, y'all.