Send caffeine

Migraine barreling down.

So the front yard is cleaned up

Thanks to Lorna.

Still there's something maddening about the fact that every inch of this house we clean up, the more things there are to fix.

I don't know how to keep up with it, either.

Hell, I don't know how to fix most of it. Fortunately I have a Daddy and a Daddy phone and I can call. Still, it's a little overwhelming.

Warning, bad language ahead.

Fucking liars.

Fucking backstabbing, irresponsible jackass liars.

I fucking quit.

Sometimes I think I've had the same headache for months...

It sure seems like I *always* have one.

Maybe I should keep track. I can't remember a single minute in the last year, easy, where I didn't have a headache. Not as bad as today's, but it's always there...

Long and Good

Somehow today's been long and good, all at once.

My mother in law's coming for a girls weekend in May. I have company coming in April, twice. We've got a week at the beach. A long weekend in Colorado to see Jack. Philadelphia. New Orleans. Mexico.

*spends a long minute in thanks*

My life is good right now.

:D

Long and good.

Rodeo tickets.

*holds them up*

Rodeo.

Me. Lorna. Cowboys. Clay Walker. Bulls. Ropes. Chaps.

The writing tomorrow will be *amazing*.

:D

R.O.D.E.O.

Home again, home again.

I'm tired, but home. So far, I've lost 8 1/2 more pounds. I'm 15 pounds from my all-time goal. Little panicky about upcoming deadlines. Rode 20 miles on my bike today.

I can tell you, after a week in Niagara Falls, that I couldn't live there.

Ever.

Heading to Niagara at the crack of dawn

Looking forward to seeing folks. Very much. I'm packed. All my work is done. Kindle is loaded. iPhone is loaded. :D

I'll be posting on fb this week.

*smooches*

See y'all Monday next!

I'm going to kick something

Hard.

That is all.

More ink today

And it went much easier. Strawberries and blackberries and tiger lilies.

Sara Mae, my artist, smiled at me and said, "this is about growing, now. all about growing."

Not about covering or hiding or anything else.

This is about growing.

:D

Black spots

I was doing the final meditation in yoga yesterday and it was really interesting. I was visualizing peace and healing, and then, once I visualized it inside me, there was a dark blob growing in the center, a sickness.

I know what that soul-sickness is and I have to find a way to heal it.

That is my rage and my loss and my sorrow over my daughter. Right now I'm so angry at her that I could scream with it. I haven't spoken to her in 3 months now -- the longest without any contact in her entire life. I have her phone number, I could call, but what would I say? I wish you weren't a compulsive liar? I wish you were a real person? You've hurt me deeper than anyone on Earth could and you don't even have the capacity to care about that?

What I really want to say is that I raised her better than that. As illogical as it is, because what is wrong with her is deeper than any outside force, it's true. I want to shake her and tell her I did my best and I raised her better. That we deserve to have what all the other parents we know have and I resent her for denying me the good parts of being a mother. I resent the fact that, when people ask me if I have children, I say no because that's easier than saying I had one who's done everything in her power to retroactively abort herself and destroy the good memories I have because they're all tainted with lies now.

I'm trying very hard to discover that heartspace that forgives and doesn't forget. Because, given a second's opportunity, she will hurt me again. That's what she does. It gives her pleasure to do it, makes her feel in control, makes her happy to see me cry.

So I have to find peace with the fact that there is no happy ending.

That there is just going to be an ending and that I will never get to believe that my child loves me again.

Because she doesn't.

And worst of all, I'm pretty sure she never did, because it's not something she knows how to do.

I want to have a long ramble about my position on feminism

but I have too much friggin work to do.

Life happens.

I missed the UU Women's Conference. I feel bad about it, but I was honestly too sick. Like I can't stay awake, I can't breathe, my fever is raging sick.

Today? I feel better.

Actually, yesterday, at 9:15 pm, I suddenly felt better. (It's not me -- Lorna was sick from Tuesday to Thursday. Boom. I was sick Thursday to Sunday.

Now, I have to work work work, because next week I'm in Niagara Falls for a week.

O.o

If I don't start my period soon...

...I'm going to kill something.

O.o

Went to yoga this morning

And the shoulder is better.

I'm going to try my best to commit to Saturday/Tuesday/Thursday and see if the stretching keeps helping.