Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thanks to Lorna.
Still there's something maddening about the fact that every inch of this house we clean up, the more things there are to fix.
I don't know how to keep up with it, either.
Hell, I don't know how to fix most of it. Fortunately I have a Daddy and a Daddy phone and I can call. Still, it's a little overwhelming.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
It sure seems like I *always* have one.
Maybe I should keep track. I can't remember a single minute in the last year, easy, where I didn't have a headache. Not as bad as today's, but it's always there...
Friday, March 25, 2011
Somehow today's been long and good, all at once.
My mother in law's coming for a girls weekend in May. I have company coming in April, twice. We've got a week at the beach. A long weekend in Colorado to see Jack. Philadelphia. New Orleans. Mexico.
*spends a long minute in thanks*
My life is good right now.
Long and good.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I'm tired, but home. So far, I've lost 8 1/2 more pounds. I'm 15 pounds from my all-time goal. Little panicky about upcoming deadlines. Rode 20 miles on my bike today.
I can tell you, after a week in Niagara Falls, that I couldn't live there.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I was doing the final meditation in yoga yesterday and it was really interesting. I was visualizing peace and healing, and then, once I visualized it inside me, there was a dark blob growing in the center, a sickness.
I know what that soul-sickness is and I have to find a way to heal it.
That is my rage and my loss and my sorrow over my daughter. Right now I'm so angry at her that I could scream with it. I haven't spoken to her in 3 months now -- the longest without any contact in her entire life. I have her phone number, I could call, but what would I say? I wish you weren't a compulsive liar? I wish you were a real person? You've hurt me deeper than anyone on Earth could and you don't even have the capacity to care about that?
What I really want to say is that I raised her better than that. As illogical as it is, because what is wrong with her is deeper than any outside force, it's true. I want to shake her and tell her I did my best and I raised her better. That we deserve to have what all the other parents we know have and I resent her for denying me the good parts of being a mother. I resent the fact that, when people ask me if I have children, I say no because that's easier than saying I had one who's done everything in her power to retroactively abort herself and destroy the good memories I have because they're all tainted with lies now.
I'm trying very hard to discover that heartspace that forgives and doesn't forget. Because, given a second's opportunity, she will hurt me again. That's what she does. It gives her pleasure to do it, makes her feel in control, makes her happy to see me cry.
So I have to find peace with the fact that there is no happy ending.
That there is just going to be an ending and that I will never get to believe that my child loves me again.
Because she doesn't.
And worst of all, I'm pretty sure she never did, because it's not something she knows how to do.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
I missed the UU Women's Conference. I feel bad about it, but I was honestly too sick. Like I can't stay awake, I can't breathe, my fever is raging sick.
Today? I feel better.
Actually, yesterday, at 9:15 pm, I suddenly felt better. (It's not me -- Lorna was sick from Tuesday to Thursday. Boom. I was sick Thursday to Sunday.
Now, I have to work work work, because next week I'm in Niagara Falls for a week.