I miss my daughter

I miss her every day.

Every single day she crosses my mind and, for about a second, I think I can't bear it anymore.  Then I remind myself I can and I will and I do. And I will tomorrow and the day after. And next month. And next year.

I miss the way she smelled. I miss the way she made me laugh. I miss hugs and stupid little conversations and hearing about her day. I miss watching her be with her dad. God, I miss the way she smelled. My whole world smelled like her for twenty years and that's gone; there's nothing left in the whole world that smells right anymore, nothing that smells like hope anymore.

I miss being a mom. I feel like twenty years of my life, of every second of my heart are worthless, a huge mistake. I feel ashamed of myself and I feel completely alone, like I'm going to mourn for her every day until I die and it will mean nothing.

Like these empty tears splashing into nothing.

I hate wasting time.

I hate this.